Therapist Says Couples Need to Work on Self-Regulation, Not Just Communication: ‘It Will Ruin Your Marriage’

A post shared in r/AskReddit on Oct. 23, 2026, asks marriage therapists to identify the biggest red flags in couples. The thread also asks for the No. 1 reason marriages fail.

The thread had received more than 5,400 upvotes and 704 comments at the time of publication.

One self-described therapist discussed why couples seek help with communication. “Every couple I work with comes in wanting to work on communication,” they wrote. “I can give them all of the fancy tools in the world [...] but my guess is they know how to communicate.” They added that the real work involved understanding what makes it so difficult for the couple to communicate effectively in their relationship.

The therapist said the first thing they ask every couple to work on is self-regulation, including a willingness to regulate their own behavior. “Consistent inability (ex: untreated mental health or hormonal issues) or unwillingness (ex: resentment, ego) to regulate yourself will ruin your marriage. If we can’t look at and address issues of self-regulation, nothing will change.”

One commenter focused on a personal struggle with taking responsibility during disagreements. “I have problems with defensiveness too,” they wrote. Their perspective changed after they grappled with questions such as “what am I defending” and “what am I defending myself from.” That questioning helped them “work through these moments and be a better partner,” they added.

“Admitting fault felt like an actual assault on my character that would inevitably doom me to hell,” they wrote. “I would treat it like this apocalyptic life or death scenario." They described how they responded when a partner brought up something that had hurt them. “Acknowledging that I’d hurt them felt like I was internalizing that I was a monster who was capable of hurting the people I love.” Separating those two feelings changed their perspective, they wrote. “It made things feel less life-or-death all of the time.”

Another self-described therapist, who clarified that they were not a marriage therapist, discussed which spouse seeks help first. “Therapist, though not a marriage therapist,” the Redditor wrote. “There is a joke that if the wife is the one seeking therapy there is a good chance the marriage will survive. If it’s the husband, then it’s already too late.”

The commenter explained the reasoning behind the saying. “The underlying understanding being that women will initiate counseling when there is a problem but husbands often refuse,” they wrote. “By the time they’re willing to go, it’s a last-ditch effort, but the wife is already out the door mentally.” They clarified that this was a generalization. “If your partner mentions counseling, take that as a sign of a problem.”

One commenter recalled their father's advice about when to express feelings to their spouse. “My dad always joked that you never tell your wife the first thing on your mind or you’ll end up dead,” they wrote. “You never tell her the second thing or you’ll end up divorced.” Their father said they could tell her the third thing, but, to be safe, they should wait until the fourth thing.

The Daily Dot was unable to verify the accounts described in the thread independently. The details above reflect commenters’ accounts as shared on Reddit.