A 29-year-old South Asian woman shared a Reddit post about her white American husband, who was curious about learning about her culture when they got married. However, she recently realized that he had a lot of internalized racism, which had strained their relationship. The woman turned to Reddit for advice on how they could become better partners. The post, shared in r/interracialdating, had received 82 comments at the time of publication.
The woman began her post by explaining that her husband was anti-Trump and had been curious about learning about her culture. She said he had also happily participated in activities with her family. However, she believed he had a lot of internalized racism, which surfaced when he was with his friends through jokes and memes he shared with her.
She added, “For example, my very first interaction with his friends involved me walking in while one of them was casually making a joke about indians being smelly (a joke my husband has reiterated). Also, my husband often shares videos of women doing everything around the house, saying he wishes that was his life (as a joke) despite me being clear with him since the beginning that I want a partner with divided responsibilities in all aspects (incl. financial, as we both have high-paying jobs, which he wanted too).”
The woman said she had gotten married a couple of months earlier and had been dating her husband for a little more than two years. She said he was born and raised in an upstate New York neighborhood where most residents were white. The couple now lives in New York City, where, according to the woman, his friends are diverse and he does not make similar remarks around them. She also said this was her first interracial relationship.
“I love my husband, but these days I'm finding it hard to stomach these things about him. I am also aware that my feelings are being heightened because of the state of the world right now. But I also don't know how to talk to him about it, and the idea of having to teach him to do better (or live with this) for the rest of my life feels so exhausting.”
The woman recalled an argument they had the previous weekend after they had been drinking. She said her husband called her racist and s-xist toward him, and she openly said that she hated men.
“This has also surfaced a lot of complicated emotions in me because of my interracial marriage, a lot of which I am still grappling with myself. I keep telling myself that I just have to accept that we have different identities, but something has felt off in the marriage for a while now, and I don't know how to fix it, and I'm starting to get really worried.”
Despite these differences, the woman said both of them remained committed to each other and did not question their love. She concluded by writing, “But this has really cracked our relationship, and the crack is just growing, and we can feel the discomfort. Any advice on dealing with this dichotomy myself and also talking to him/what we can do to be better partners? We are already considering couples therapy.”
One commenter wrote, “I mean he’s basically shown you who he is. It’s up to you on how you want to navigate it.”
Another commenter wrote, “Tbh. He seems like he knows when to put on the mask of a liberal and he knows when to take it off. I’m a mexican male and I’ve seen it first hand when it slips up. Let’s just say him growing up privileged and with little to no adversity, he has a low grasp of empathy when it comes to the actual struggles of minorities. I don’t blame him entirely but you’ll start to see it cement in their personality the older he gets.”
The Daily Dot could not independently verify the claims made in the thread. The details reflect accounts shared by users in r/interracialdating. The commenters’ identities have not been confirmed.
