A video posted by TikTok trauma coach @iamjaysaxe received over 517,000 views and 931 comments. In the video, Jay describes a few of the REAL reasons he believes men cheat. As a former cheater himself, he says it has much less to do with a man's need to satisfy his uncontrollable desires and more to do with unaddressed insecurity.
Jay began the video by stating that, in addition to helping many men overcome the shame of cheating as a trauma coach, he has also personally experienced that shame, which he says gives him insight into the matter.
Contrary to popular belief, he explained that men don't cheat because of their sexual appetite, changes in their wife's physical appearance after childbirth, or a sudden loss of love or interest. These are all surface-level reasons we've been fed for years about why men cheat, but Jay explained that the root cause is a man's deep insecurity.
He said this insecurity is based on a man's belief that he will never be enough for his partner — whether that's not being rich enough, caring enough, thoughtful enough, capable enough, or vulnerable enough. As a result, receiving validation from another woman temporarily silences the feeling of "never being enough."
But despite his breakdown of the reasons some men cheat, not all commenters agreed with his perspective. One commenter said there should be no excuse for cheating. They wrote, "I don't care why they cheat. There should be no excuse for it."
Jay explained that cheating can also stem from having an avoidant communication style, which makes some men unable to communicate their wants in a relationship. This can manifest as avoiding conflict, vulnerability, and intimacy instead of expressing their wants or expectations openly. As a result, they may also avoid difficult conversations with their partners because they don't want to face possible rejection.
The Sense of Power That Comes With Secrecy Is a Huge Reason Why Men Cheat
Jay went on to explain that when some men feel a lack of control or value in their relationships or other areas of their personal lives, they seek that sense of importance and value elsewhere, usually through an affair.
He said another reason could be that some men were taught a version of masculinity that idealizes women as status symbols or sources of validation. This idealization could also be inherited, especially if their fathers were misogynistic.
Jay went even further, saying that some men cheat because they're bored — not with their partners, but with themselves. He said, "Sometimes they're bored. And not with their partner, but within themselves. . . And sometimes, the thrill isn't even the women. It's actually getting away with it, right? The secret, the risk."
He concluded with the main pattern he notices among many men who cheat. He said they tend to pedestalize strong women while secretly feeling intimidated by them. To deal with that intimidation, they seek outside validation from women who seem safer, easier to deal with, or more willing to accept their behavior. And oftentimes, Jay continued, it's not because these outside women are better, "But because they're less threatening to an already fragile sense of self."
The reactions to the video came mainly from women who had been betrayed by a partner at some point, and didn't care to know the reasons why they were cheated on. One commenter said her trust has been completely broken from her last relationship. She wrote, "I'm still traumatized by the lies, deceit and denial of my last relationship because of his cheating. He would have kept it a secret but I discovered it. It has distorted my senses of trust."
Another commenter said that men who cheat are weak. She wrote, "They CHOOSE to CHEAT because they are weak and lack self awareness."
A separate commenter said she that, unlike the many reasons men may have, she cheated because she fell in love. She wrote, "I'm a woman and I cheated because I fell in love with someone else, pure and simple."
The Daily Dot was unable to independently verify the claims made by TikTok creator @iamjaysaxe, which are based solely on his account and opinions shared in the TikTok video.
