A Reddit post on r/GirlDinner is drawing attention after a woman described how she had been feeling seeing her abusive ex-boyfriend now be with a different girl.
Instead of jealousy, the poster said she felt deep concern for the new girlfriend, having experienced the man's emotional abuse and manipulation firsthand.
The poster said she dated this man from the ages of 22 to 26, which she says were the most emotionally damaging four years of her life. She described four years of emotional and sometimes physical infidelity, and said that whenever she raised concerns he would deflect and gaslight her into believing she was at fault.
After being repeatedly manipulated over this period of time, she found that her self-esteem was "in hell" and did not want the same for anyone else.
"Feeling insane and constantly questioning your own self-worth is no way to live," she wrote.
She also added that despite breaking up with this man over four years ago, she is still pursuing therapy and rebuilding her sense of self. The ex-boyfriend began dating someone new within three months of the breakup, a timeline the poster noted in her post.
Rather than feeling threatened by the follow request from a secondary account, the poster said she saw it as a sign the new girlfriend was already experiencing the same insecurity she once had.
"She's doing the exact same things I used to do to all the women he used to cheat on me with," the poster mentioned. She added that he has likely begun cheating on her as well, which has led her to be jealous and taken her so far as to send an ex of his a follow request.
The comments section revealed that the dynamic the poster described was far from unusual, several users shared strikingly similar experiences. A Reddit user shared her own experience and said, "One of my ex's other past girlfriends reached out to me a while back, just to confirm her experiences were not unique to her and that he really was the problem. Now we're really good friends."
Another user said that her ex's former wife had called her up after he finally got jailed for domestic violence. The two women spoke for over two hours, shared their experiences, and tried to help each other make sense of what had come to be. "It was very validating for both of us," she added.
Researchers recently developed a tool, the Gaslighting Relationship Exposure Inventory (GREI), to measure gaslighting in romantic relationships. They found gaslighting is linked to psychological abuse, depression, and lower relationship quality across… https://t.co/Px1oDU2jGT
— PsyPost.org (@PsyPost) September 10, 2024
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting and emotional manipulation in relationships can have lasting effects on a survivor's self-perception and sense of reality.
Which is exactly why one commenter told the poster, "If you can, it is worth telling her she isn't crazy and what he used to do, briefly. You won't know for sure if she is safe or not." The poster wanted to help out in any way, which became clear as she wrote, "I still can remember the hurt I felt and my heart hurts for her."
If you or someone you know is facing similar abuse, you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
