A new political chart assigning male haircuts across the spectrum, from fascism to communism, is upsetting a lot of bald men on TikTok. As the video from last weekend goes viral, viewers have a lot of thoughts on the theory, especially if they didn't exactly choose their own cut.
The chart does not seem to be as accurate as its creator claimed.
What does your haircut say about your politics?
On Sunday, TikTok account @trustdcritics started drawing a lot more views than usual with a chart calling itself the "horseshoe theory of male haircuts." Claiming to be 75 percent accurate, the graph takes common male hair styles and declares them representatives of many labels adopted by the political left, right, and center.
"Based on my experience with male haircuts, I would say this is like 75 percent accurate," says the account owner. "Where do you fall, is the question."
"If you don't see your haircut here, drop it in the comments, and we'll place you."
The center or "liberal" section of the graph has what many (white, American) men would consider a pretty normal cut. Short, not really styled. As you go left, you get longer hair, man buns, and blue dye. Communists get stuck with the Mao Zedong look, which no one wears anymore, even if they agree with his policy on landlords.
On the right, you get a slicked-back cut for the corporate capitalists, all the way to the buzz cuts and Hitler Youth hair. At the very end, where fascism lives, hair vanishes entirely. Maybe hair is woke.
Clearly, this isn't the most serious analysis ever to be published in the scientific journal known as TikTok. What is that 12th-century monk cut doing there? That's not actually part of the Catholic Church dress code.
Hints about the TikToker's own politics also show up everywhere, from the utilization of the horseshoe theory and "lunatic fringe" in the gap to the "accurate" label at the center.
Also, "hedonism" around the progressive area. If there are hedonists, they're the billionaires in the Epstein files. Come on.
"Like I woke up one day and chose baldness"
A chart like this was always going to draw a lot of strong opinions, as was certainly the point. The most offended of all the political haircut-havers were bald men who insist that they are very much not fascists.
"I am bald and would never be moved beyond the blue/green zone," said @worstingame. "This is about as accurate as Phrenology."
"Acting like I woke up one day and chose baldness," @kylepilling7 griped.
"Brother, I don’t have hair. It’s not a cut," wrote @benhargett.
"I shave my head weekly and haven’t voted for a republican since 2008, I dunno man I don’t feel like there is a correlation between hairstyles and politics," @deeznewtsinmypants mused.
Many others complained that their haircuts don't match up with the chart's declaration of their political values. At least one commenter pointed out another fatal flaw in this TikToker's theory, leaving out large sections of the target population.
"I'm black," said @shrek.disciple.
Whoops.
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