The Poop Knife is one of the most famous tales in Reddit history, summarizing an epic story of love and family from OG user LearnedButt on r/confession. The Original Poster shared a story seven years ago about how their family’s struggle with consuming fiber led to a cursed piece of bathroom equipment.
What’s the Poop Knife story?
According to the OP, their family “poops big.” They began their post by wondering if it’s genetic or dietary, but whatever the cause they insist “everyone births giant logs of crap.”
“If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush,” they explained. “It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.”
To deal with this issue, they had a tool for chopping logs, which the OP described as an “old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose.”
One would hope so! Though hanging it in the laundry room is playing with fire. And poop.
How did they figure out the Poop Knife isn’t normal?
First, the OP wrote it was considered “normal” to walk through the hallway and hear someone begging for the poop knife from the toilet seat. Again, not sure why it wasn’t kept next to the toilet, but it was not.
“I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house.
“My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.”
The jig is up. Clearly, OP’s friend had no idea what they were talking about, but the OP tried another tactic.
“Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name,” the OP suggested. “A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing.”
“Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my f*cked up family with their f*cked up bowels. FML.”
The Poop Knife lives on.
The OP finished their confession by saying they told their wife the story, revealing they’ve kept the poop knife tradition going in their shared home without telling her.
“It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife,” they concluded. “Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.”
Commonly asked questions.
There are about a million questions that could come from this story, but the OP answered the most pertinent ones in an edit after their post took off.
“Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives.”
“All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.”
Family that shares, cares.
Responses to Poop Knife
The poop knife story was so popular that it became a product sold under that name on Amazon. It’s possible the tool already existed under a more discreet name, but why hold back now?
The best response, however, is simply the thousands upon thousands of comments and poop stories written on the Reddit post. After reading them, it feels like you can never truly know another human being.
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