Here’s everything that doesn’t cause cancer

Mondays don’t get much worse than this: The World Health Organization just confirmed our worst fears by declaring processed meats—including hamburgers, sausages, and your beloved bacon—a serious cancer risk.

At this point you may be tempted to throw up your hands, declare that everything causes cancer, and break out the frying pan. But don’t despair, people! There are still plenty of foods, habits, products, and activities that haven’t been linked to cancer yet. Enjoy them while you can:

1. Cigarettes
2. Alcohol
3. Cell phones
4. The sun
5. Breathing
6. Kissing
7. Marijuana
8. Deodorant
9. Peanut butter
10. Shellfish
11. The Vatican
12. Jewelry
13. Hot tea
14. Brooms
15. Sugar
16. Eggs
17. Candles
18. Apples
19. Salmon
20. Soda
21. Diet soda
22. Oral sex
23. Canned foods
24. Chinese food
25. Chewing gum
26. Parents
27. Microwave popcorn
28. Baked goods
29. Parasitic worms
30. Wearing a bra
31. Mammograms
32. Working the night shift
33. Birth control pills
34. Facebook

Photo via Aidan Jones/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)