If your Christmas gifts stink of weed and whiskey tomorrow morning, blame it on ol’ Santa Claus.
Between cutbacks at the workshop and keeping track billions of wish lists via social media, Santa kept himself sane by venting on Twitter under @Santa_St_Claus.
“We tried ‘tweeting’ in the 1800s with carrier pigeons, but we’d just find a bunch of frozen birds on our lawn in the spring,” Santa told the Daily Dot in an exclusive interview.
It’s going to be a hell of a long night for the man with the big red coat, but Santa was kind enough to muse about who made the naughty list, most popular gift this year, and what the chances are of the world surviving a zombie apocalypse.
Daily Dot: If your mall was the world’s last hope to defend against a zombie apocalypse, how doomed would we be?
Rest easy boys and girls, if you must know, ‘Seal Team 6’ was actually our Tactical Counter-Terrorism Elf Division. I think we can handle some decaying mindless fools…whether they’re Zombies or members of the Tea Party.
DD: In terms of gift receivers, how old is too old?
Well, octogenarian Betty White wrote me a letter asking me to deliver ‘my gift’ early, her chimney was pretty beat up so just I came in her back door. That answer your question?
DD: What’s the worst-case scenario for kids like?
These kids today are worse than ever. Newsflash teens: taking a slutty picture with an Instagram filter does not make it art. Quit showing skin for ‘likes.’ At least the last generation did if for money so they could buy their own presents.
DD: What is your pre-flight ritual like?
Santa is a Jack and Coke man. Papa likes his whiskey. And usually I bring a pound of ‘tree clippings’ with me, but this year I’ll make a pit-stop in Colorado…pretty sure their cookies will keep me flying high.
DD: What has been the most popular gift request this year? What do you make of it?
The most popular gift for three years running has been Justin Bieber. I’m sorry girls (and creepy old guys) I cannot kidnap anyone, duct-tape their extremities, and put them under your tree regardless of how good you’ve been.
DD: Any surprises on the naughty list?
Tim Tebow. If you only knew how many hymens he’s broken with that ‘I’m saving myself for someone special’ routine. Focus on breaking more tackles Tim and maybe you’ll get the start.
DD: Lindsay Lohan had a pretty bad year. What’s it going to take for her to get her name on the nice list?
It’s not looking good. Let me put it to you this way—even if she donated her kidney to a Children’s Hospital, I’d still only get her an iPod shuffle.
DD: After countless years of marriage, how do you and Mrs. Claus keep the magic alive?
We have an open relationship. She knows one night a year I visit the houses of billions of other women, and unload my sack. In return, @Mrs_St_Claus gets all the elf action she can handle. No threat to me, luckily they’re all hung like elves.
DD: Any new additions to the sled this year?
We installed a Lojack in case it gets stolen, it’s not like I can walk into a police station and file a claim.
DD: Any last thoughts about this holiday season?
The reason for the season is LOVING one another, just be sure to pullout…your decorations, wear protection…on your hands and head, and always have Plan B…in case of a mistimed delivery.
Photo by Britt Selvitelle/Flickr
