Whom has Taylor Swift dated: A brief history

The White House is buzzing this week over the news that super countrystar Taylor Swift has recently begun hooking up with Harry Styles, a member of One Direction and her 39th boyfriend this year. We’re having a hard time keeping track of every man in the universe, so we’ve assembled here the definitive Rolodex of Taylor Swift’s past loves.

With no distinct “type” aside from white dudes (she dates 35-year-olds, high school students, international film stars, and unemployed college kids), it’s difficult to read the madness. But as with any work of abstract art crafted by a wild and violent master, there are a couple lenses through which one can interpret Taylor Swift’s romantic past.

1. Taylor Swift Is a Beard.

Taylor Swift, shrewd businesswoman that she is, is making bank off her services as a no-sex-games-or-funny-business professional handholding companion. Nothing makes a boyish movie star’s face more handsome than a beard.

2. Taylor Swift Is a Freak-a-Leek.

Taylor Swift is the most popular freak-a-leek in the world right now. More popular than Rick James, more popular than Olivia Munn: Taylor Swift voraciously plows through guys like a DEMON and then writes songs about how they were mean they were to her that one time. (Exhibit A: Harry Styles recently arrived at Swift’s hotel at 4 a.m. and left with the morning sun. People knock on your door at 4 a.m. for two reasons: to initiate sex or to tell you you’ve been accepted to Hogwarts – congrats.)

So who is the real Taylor Swift? Did she go through puberty at birth? Has she yet to go through puberty? Is she a witch whose sleep two teenage sweethearts disturbed one night while driving up to Lovers Lane?

Study this guide, a tableaux of beaux, and draw your own conclusions:

(Note that, while every gentleman on this list is given a corresponding song, many of them were, in fact, the subjects of multiple songs.)

Joe Jonas

When did they date? Summer 2008
I thought he was gay?: Correct. (Probably.)
Age difference: + 1 year (Jonas is 23)
Corresponding song: Forever and Always
Hidden message:
(every Swift track carries withIN it a hidden mesSAge, spelled out via letter capitalizatioNs In The lYric notes)
“IF YOU PLAY THESE GAMES, WE’RE BOTH GOING TO LOSE”
Sample lyric: Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest / That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
Rebuttal: “It’s flattering. It’s always nice to hear their side of the story.” (Swift alleges he broke up with her in a 27-second phonecall.)

John Mayer

When did they date? 2009
I thought he was gay? Correct. (Probably.)
Age difference: + 13 years (Mayer is 35)
Corresponding song: Dear John
Hidden message: “I LOVED YOU FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY”
Sample lyric: Don’t you think nineteen’s too young to be played with? / Your dark twisted games when I loved you so
Rebuttal: “I know she’s the biggest thing in the world, and I’m not trying to sink anybody’s ship, but I think it’s abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, ‘Wait till he gets a load of this!’ That’s bullshit.”

Taylor Lautner

When did they date? 2009
I thought he was gay? Correct. (Probably.)
Age difference: – 2 years (Lautner is 20)
Corresponding song: Back to December
Hidden message: “TAY”
Sample lyric: I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
Rebuttal: Polite applause.

Cory Monteith

When did they date? 2010
I thought he was gay? Correct. (Probably.)
Age difference: + 8 years (Monteith is 30)
Corresponding song: Too boring to warrant one. Here’s Cory Monteith performing “Losing My Religion” from Glee.
Hidden message: “MURDER MURDER MURDER”
Sample lyric: That’s me in the spotlight / Losing my religion
Rebuttal: Being boring.

Jake Gyllenhaal

When did they date? 2010
I thought he was gay? Correct. (Probably.)
Age difference: + 9 years (Gyllenhaal is 31)
Corresponding song: Red
Hidden message: “SAG” (Swift and Gyllenhaal are both Sagittarians. Also he’s in the Screen Actors Guild. Also he and Maggie have saggy puppy dog eyes.)
Sample lyric: Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Rebuttal: A deafening, disapproving silence.

Men She Met While She Was Paying Them to Appear in Her Music Videos

Who? Lucas Till, Toby Hemingway, This Motherfucker
When did they date? 2009-Apocalypse
Where did they meet? Set of “You Belong With Me“; set of “Mine“; set of I Knew You Were Trouble”
Age difference: +0 to 7 years (Ages 22-29)
Corresponding song: Mine
Hidden message: TOBY
Sample lyric: Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together / And there’s a drawer of my things at your place.
Rebuttal: Fading into obscurity.

Conor Kennedy

When did they date? Summer 2012
I thought he was gay? Might be a rumor Jessica P. spread in homeroom. We haven’t heard that.
Age difference: – 4 years (Kennedy is 18)
Corresponding song: Everything Has Changed
Hidden message: ” HYANNIS PORT”
Sample lyric: And all I’ve seen since 18 hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile in the back of my mind
Rebuttal: Skipped the first annual Kennedy Family Celebration of Taylor Swift.

Robert F. Kennedy

When did they date: The 1945-era OtherWorld she visits when she dreams
I thought he was gay? Unlikely.
Age difference: + 65 (Kennedy would be 87 today)
Corresponding song: Starlight
Hidden message: FOR ETHEL
Sample lyric: I met Bobby on the boardwalk, summer of ’45
Rebuttal: Sponsored the first annual Kennedy Family Celebration of Taylor Swift

Harry Styles

When did they date? Spring, Autumn 2012
I thought he was gay? You might thinking of the other One Direction guy. Harry’s taste generally run to British entertainment hosts (TV or radio) in their 30s. He recently helped break up a marriage, by having an affair with a 32-year-old woman when he was just 17.
Age difference: – 4 years (Styles is 18)
Corresponding song: I Knew You Were Trouble
Hidden message: “WHEN YOU SAW ME DANCING”
Sample lyric: A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be
Rebuttal: Reappeared 9 months after their first break-up with Taylor’s baby. “I thought you should meet your son.”

Johnny Depp? At Some Point, Probably, Right?

When did they date? Future date TBD
I thought he was gay? Correct. (Probably.)
Age difference: + 27 years (Depp is 49, timeless)
Corresponding song: Necklaces and Cravats
Hidden message: “EDWARD TAYLORHANDS”
Sample lyric: I met Johnny on the boardwalk, summer of ’45
Rebuttal: “Taylor in Perpetuity” tattoo altered to read “Taylor is Perp”

By Caity Weaver // Hidden messages decoded by Taylor Swift’s official fan forum // Images via Avia AP