“Florida Man” is pretty much the worst person ever

Is it a blerg? Is it a pain? No, it’s Florida Man, here to regale you with all his tales of the utterly terrible.

New meme @_FloridaMan, as noted by Slate, tweets out horrific stories that contain the phrase “Florida Man” in the headline. It’s a simple but effective idea, and there’s far more material than you’d expect.

Once you delve into the stories linked below, things get downright ugly. However, it’s a lot funnier if you imagine it’s the same guy doing all of the following things on his way to winning every Darwin Award ever.

• Florida Man Arrested After Pocket-Dialing 911
• Florida Man Stabs Wife Over Hamburger
• Florida Man Busted For Performing Back Alley Butt Injections
• Florida Man Arrested For Trying To Force Fiancé To Swallow Engagement Ring (though that really should read “fiancée”)
• Florida Man Builds Mini Car For His Pet Parrot
• Florida Man Admits Biting Off Girlfriend’s Thumb
• Florida Man Repeatedly Called 911 Saying He Needed A Ride To Mexico
• Florida Man Faces Fines, Points After Bicycle Ride
• Naked Florida Man Jumps Off Roof Onto Man, Nocks [sic] Television Over, Empties Vacuum Cleaner, Masturbates
• Florida Man Owes Ex-Wife $166K in Child Support
• Police Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At Walmart
• Florida Man Squats In Multimillion-Dollar Home
• Florida Man Finds Way To Connect With Cats
• Florida Man On Trial For Threatening To Kill President Obama On Facebook
• Florida Man Shoots Himself In Crotch With Flare Gun
• Florida Man Charged After Alleged Naked Rampage Inside Home
• Florida Man Says He’s Obama And Attempts To Abduct Children
• Florida Man Armed With Syringe Robbed Pet Store
• Florida Man Arrested For Giving Wedgies
• Florida Man’s Bulldog Found Safe After Being Dognapped At Gunpoint

The last one doesn’t fit quite as well as the others, and we wish the Twitter feed were around when a Florida man ate another guy’s face. Still, worst superhero ever.

Photo via DonkeyHotey/Flickr