Comedian Zak Toscani, like the vast majority of working comics, also has a day job, but that doesn’t mean that he leaves all the drama and the mystery of show business behind when he gets to work in the morning.
On Thursday, Toscani became embroiled in a tale so twisted it would have made Alfred Hitchcock proud. A tale of shrimp, lies, and video. A crime story where the criminal has been identified but remains unpunished, her motives completely unknown.
It started when a man’s lunch went missing from the communal work fridge.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979448251546927104
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It turns out that Toscani was not only in the office with both the alleged criminal and the victim, but literally in the middle of things.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979460315027877888
Then came the puzzling twist no one expected.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979460775197655040
What?! Why? Was there a personal rivalry? Did she mistakenly think the food was old and needed to be thrown away? As of right now, no one knows, since the man who was deprived of his delicious shrimp fried rice decided to let the matter drop.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979463645645094913
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Things only escalate from there.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979753592444796928
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Anything indeed, but again this woman remains unpredictable.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979762047318552577
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This is when Toscani’s comedian side took over. While most people would be content to sit back and watch, he couldn’t help but get involved. Taking a page from Hamlet, he tried guilting the thief into a confession.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979783218462310407
But it turns out that this time the play was not the thing.
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979791350794092544
https://twitter.com/zaktoscani/status/979794653485531137
Unfortunately, that leaves the situation unresolved… for now.
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“It’s an ongoing story in terms of that when I come back into work on Monday morning I fully expect co-workers to bring it up quietly.” Toscani told the Daily Dot via email. “I have no idea if the thief will see it or mention it to me.”
Of course, he had no way of knowing the story would get the viral attention it has. In addition to being retweeted and liked hundreds of thousands of times on Twitter, the story has also been picked up by every place from Buzzfeed to the BBC, and everyone is clamoring to know what will happen on Monday.
Omg that’s it?! Wtf!! I need to know why she threw his lunch away!! Why didn’t he get her fired? Did they date? Did he dump her?? What is the backstory?
— grandmanochickens (@catlady2627) March 31, 2018
Honestly I’d like to know too. I can’t seem to come up with a good enough reason 😢
— Cynical Optimist (Love me 3000) (@ShedzR) March 31, 2018
We need a closure. We need to know why she did it. Please find out and update, thanks.
— Salman. △ ⑃ ∞ (@SalmanNaseer) March 31, 2018
With all the viral attention, it seems likely that the thief will end up having to explain herself, but Toscani, much like his co-worker, doesn’t want to see anyone lose their job.
“I feel like I would have acted in the same manner as the victim,” he said. “You wanna know who did it, but I (like he) aren’t interested in like getting someone fired.”
Clearly, Toscani has a knack for storytelling, and if you’re interested in hearing more from him you can check out “All Fantasy Everything,” a podcast where he’s a regular guest. Although no matter how fantastical that podcast gets, it will probably never compare to the strange goings-on at a typical office during the work week. Makes you wonder why no one has ever made a show about that.
