We’re living in the age of the epic Twitter story. It began with Zola, but many others have followed suit.
Writing what amounts to a short story delivered 140 characters at a time produces a kind of automatic poetry and sense of suspense. It’s a unique method of storytelling, one that we might lose if Twitter increases its character limit to a whopping 10,000. So, despite some—or perhaps all—of these stories being fake, it’s best to savor the good ones while we can.
Joe Craig, of London, England, recently offered us one of the best such stories—a tale of sex, dogs, and heroism gone wrong.
I was walking my dog round East Finchley, late, two nights ago. Chasing foxes, that kind of thing. And I heard a noise.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I heard muffled screaming & saw the boot of a car rattling. Oh no, I thought – someone’s trapped in the boot!
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Or the trunk, for those of us in the States.
(The boot of the car is the trunk, for my American compadres.)
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Oh, thanks Joe.
Anyway, that’s when most people would call the police, but Joe, knowing the would-be-kidnapper could return at any time, went the extra mile and rushed into action.
In a swift, dynamic movement I flung open the boot of the car. The boot light came on. I was staring into the face of a woman!
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
He never mentioned how he pulled this off. Was the trunk unlocked? Did he get superhuman strength from a sudden burst of adrenaline? I guess we’ll never know. Besides, what happened next will wipe the question from your mind, because—
The woman was naked.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Do what now?
On top of the woman was a man. Also naked.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
So they’d both been kidnapped?
They’d put the back seats down & were lying the full length of the car, heads in the boot.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Wait, so…Oh! Oh. Oh no.
The woman was clinging on to the boot, rattling it while she screamed. For very different reasons than the ones I had assumed from outside.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Except now she was no longer screaming, because she was looking up at me, horrified. As was the man. I was holding the boot open.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
What does one say in that situation?
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
How about nothing? Go with nothing, Joe. Walk away, Joe. Walk away.
I’ll tell you what I said. I said: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I thought you were trapped. Like a hostage. Because of the screaming and…
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
…the rattling. But I see now you don’t need my help. Either of you. And that this is the good kind of screaming. Sorry. Do carry on.”
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
“Do carry on”?
It was words to that effect, anyway. I admit I babbled a bit. I didn’t want them to think I was just a weirdo pervert bursting in on them.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I also wanted to offer a little encouragement.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Well, that’s nice, I guess. Anyway, funny story, Joe. Guess it could have been worse, right?
But wait. There’s more:
Then I started to close the boot – carefully. I didn’t want to trap anything. Unfortunately, my dog is very well trained…
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
What the fuck does that mean, Joe??
And my dog loves car journeys.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Oh, um, yeah, that’s what we thought you meant.
So before I could close the boot, Harpo (my dog) did what he’s been trained to do when someone opens the boot of a hatchback.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
No.
My dog jumped into the boot. Sort of next-to (but mainly on-top-of) the faces of the two copulating strangers.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
NO!
Now it was too late to close the boot. There was more screaming – but not the good kind.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Please tell us that’s when you walked away, Joe.
Obviously I can’t undo Harpo’s training, so I said, “Good boy.”
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Which I think gave the wrong impression.
Ya think?
After that I made a swift exit. I remembered to take the dog with me. I didn’t wait around to hear more screaming & rattling.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
And THAT is the funny thing that happened to me the other night, with my dog, in East Finchley.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Oh, Joe, at least your heart was in the right place, if not your dog.
Oh, the things this poor boy has seen/done/sat on/tasted. #harpo pic.twitter.com/NOE4MFy5bp
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
H/T Distractify | Photo via Ingo Di Bella/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)
