Diego, a Galapagos tortoise whose sexual prowess has saved his entire species, has been praised effusively in dozens of news articles today. The internet is just discovering the good sex reptile, and already he is a big hero.
Diego the Tortoise saves Galapagos species from extinction by fathering 800 offspring https://t.co/dmugt3GeKa pic.twitter.com/mPwUxcYh9i
— AFP News Agency (@AFP) September 14, 2016
Diego, the horny tortoise, is over 100 years old. He lived in relative anonymity in the San Diego Zoo until the 1970s, when Chelonoidis hoodensis was identified as a species and he was found to be one of them. He was transported back to the Galapagos in 1976 to help repopulate the island with giant tortoises.
The big sexual boy, at 175 pounds and 5 feet tall (when he stretches his neck), proved to be up to the task. To date, he has fathered 800 offspring—that’s roughly 40 percent of the current Chelonoidis hoodensis population.
He currently “shares his enclosure with six females,” according to the AFP.
The reaction to the virile he-tortoise has been positively gushing. Diego is the new meme. Matt Christman, one of the hosts of the Chapo Trap House podcast, summed up the whole thing with this series of tweets.
*kicks guy wearing Pizza Rat shirt in groin*
— crisp mattman (@cushbomb) September 14, 2016
“We’re on the Fuck Tortoise now, you piece of shit.”
“Ugh. I’ve been meetings since lunch. How was your day, dear?”
— crisp mattman (@cushbomb) September 14, 2016
“I found out about a tortoise who fucks a lot.”
Why don’t they build all the endangered species out of the fuck tortoise?
— crisp mattman (@cushbomb) September 14, 2016
But Diego is not just a niche Weird Twitter star. He is the badass new sex god of all online. Please enjoy these blurbs about how cool the shell-encased sex enjoyer is.
Who the fuck cares about harambe when you have a sex mad tortoise https://t.co/ScAzbfWNwf
— Liam (@IamLaim0) September 14, 2016
Bald eagle <<<< fuck tortoise https://t.co/r1U0AayRHY
— yc (@yc) September 14, 2016
https://twitter.com/pat_snax/status/776085426859671552
https://twitter.com/BobbyBigWheel/status/776072306460389377
That tortoise’s sole responsibility in life was to fuck and save his species. And he accomplished it. Bless him.
— Day-jzawn (@_Heysoos) September 14, 2016
Tortoise had so much sex that he “saved his entire species.” This is what a hero looks like. https://t.co/KgKX3HTN40 pic.twitter.com/VWHgjSFCue
— Digg (@digg) September 14, 2016
*Nods sagely*—the tortoise is good, actually.
