As 2016 drew to a close, it seemed like Twitter couldn’t get any worse. The year had been dominated by Russian bots and white supremacist agitators, and as it drew to a close, it was Time for Some Game Theory. Had the bad website finally hit rock bottom? A year later, we know that it absolutely had not. It hardly seems possible, but 2017 brought even hotter takes and even steamier garbage: Verritt authentication codes, battles between roses and corncobs, Kurt Eichenwald looking at anime porn. Each oozing pustule of “free speech” was worst than the last. And then there were Twitter’s policies—Nazis and anime avatars ran wild, while anyone who challenged them was reported for abuse and suspended from the site.
But we kept coming back to drink from Twitter’s poisoned well, day after day. Why? Stockholm Syndrome, for sure. But also good jokes. They were rare, but when they were good, they were very good. They made us, for a brief moment, stop regretting that human beings ever developed language.
Here are the indisputable greatest tweets of 2017. These are them. There are no appeals. Don’t @ me.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
— brandAn is good (@LeBearGirdle) August 17, 2017
https://twitter.com/trojansauce/status/930047438773276674
Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
Did it hurt babe
“did what hurt”
When you fell from Jo-Ann Fabrics— Fortnite Crash Out (@WhoIsMrWeed) May 25, 2017
https://twitter.com/shujaxhaider/status/888103420229496834
https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/905761309811253248
The reality is, a vanilla soy latte is a type of three-bean soup.
— Lockwood DeWitt (@lockwooddewitt) August 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/monicaheisey/status/865616532956602368
https://twitter.com/jhermann/status/866825798807769088
is sapiosexuality the one where you only date people who sarcastically refer to every sport as “sportsball”
— Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) June 13, 2017
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke pic.twitter.com/o180oOeqye
— joey (succession spoilers) (@joeyz95) July 23, 2017
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/891487625886011395
https://twitter.com/frozenblueber/status/938748220573999104
https://twitter.com/MiQL/status/877332240199372801
https://twitter.com/kathbarbadoro/status/886786495339798528
I’m no geologist but this is quite an interesting Rock formation. pic.twitter.com/oPrh6j1y2x
— Daniel🎗🏴 ॐ (@DannyDutch) July 25, 2017
https://twitter.com/McKellogs/status/877645489574887425
397. Big Sean comes out as asexual pic.twitter.com/fnkwWRpYDn
— Im @leftatlondon on other websites too (HINT HINT) (@LeftAtLondon) March 6, 2017
iPhone Settings was once challenged to write a story using only four words, pic.twitter.com/wuQZgxyL0s
— Neven Mrgan (@mrgan) October 2, 2017
https://twitter.com/kyungwonspecs/status/877879981006766080
https://twitter.com/ShugoWah/status/878489076348764160
https://twitter.com/AdamOPrice/status/872794063745015808
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like. pic.twitter.com/oFt0Nm86wP
— Copy McPasty, Writer (@KashannKilson) July 10, 2017
G orgeous
L adies
O f
W orking from home— jenny (@fevermaven) July 10, 2017
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
— america’s lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) June 16, 2017
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 10, 2017
When sequels go bad… pic.twitter.com/FjfBdYoWlF
— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) July 10, 2017
https://twitter.com/Integrity_Guy/status/902180933440331777
https://twitter.com/PowerfulUggo/status/902608095049908224
https://twitter.com/scottew/status/903012902113644545
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
— please be nice to patrick (@ruff_bluffs) September 10, 2017
https://twitter.com/whatmaddness/status/892394439867383808
https://twitter.com/ZhouChauster/status/913403494287265792
welcome to 99 percent invisible, im Roman Mars. theres a picture that is seen frequently online. A pig, pooping on its own balls. this pictu
— samantha (@goblin_sorcerer) October 5, 2017
https://twitter.com/zekNcashe/status/916027985219768321
https://twitter.com/cashbonez/status/923443922520518656
maybe the stranger things 2 were the friends we made along the way
— 『 the knife alien 』 (@spacedrugs) October 31, 2017
https://twitter.com/ohen39/status/923019102368669696
https://twitter.com/PlagueLovers/status/922653905481359360
do you have the time
to inform me of the time
i’m running late and
i forgot my watchit is one of those
great chronologic tools
that displays the current time
and i forgot it— michael “cohost.org/lutz” lutz (@WarrenIsDead) November 21, 2017
This is still the greatest of all time. pic.twitter.com/3PZNJNWduM
— Kunio from River (@JohnXuandou) November 21, 2017
Adult friendship = 2 people saying “I haven’t seen you in forever! We should really hang out more” over and over again until one of you dies
— Lynds Gallant (@apocalynds) July 23, 2017
Someone has waited their whole life to write this caption. pic.twitter.com/p2lC1uThYR
— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) March 18, 2017
https://twitter.com/NifMuhammad/status/933426362035134464
trebek: this true cause of aging eventually kills you
contestant: [visibly shaken] what is nostalgia
— retsoor (@retsoor) November 25, 2017
https://twitter.com/adcrimer/status/935229878907101184
https://twitter.com/goofoffartiste/status/934987179079614466
https://twitter.com/broazay/status/937894794738700288
https://twitter.com/akacrispy/status/938156900302163969
I know what I want
And I want it now
I want you
Cause I’m Mr Bean— koyaanisqatsi heckler (@Arr) December 9, 2017
*looks at straight couple* “But which one of you is the dungeon and which is the dragon?”
— Alexandra Erin | patreon.com/AlexandraErin (@AlexandraErin) December 9, 2017
🎵 The Vengabus is comin’ 🎵
🎵 And everybody’s runnin’ 🎵
🎵 This bus will have it’s vengeance 🎵
🎵 It should not have gained sentience 🎵— Vicas (@Vicas3) December 7, 2017
Your law firm name is your surname plus the surnames of all the other named partners at your law firm
— Hera Lindsay Bird (@HeraLindsayBird) August 11, 2017
https://twitter.com/tonybonesarelli/status/856970701714149378
People who write dumb tweets should get shipped off to Eichenwald or Daou.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 5, 2017
young man, there’s no need to feel down/
i said, young man, i know of a great clown/
i said, young man, pagliacci’s in town/
there’s no need to be unhappy— SATURN (@thefuturerules) December 14, 2017
May you and your love ones have a joyous holiday season and a prosperous new year. And, in 2018, may you find the strength to Log Off.
