The 11 weirdest things sold on Amazon and their most ‘helpful’ reviews

BY CRISTINA GUTIERREZ

Amazon.com is more or less a bottomless pit of e-commerce, and browsing through the site without purpose is like a deep sea exploration where you encounter all the oddities lurking in the dark spaces.

Here are 11 of the weirdest things sold on Amazon.com, accompanied by their most ‘helpful’ reviews.

1) Unicorn Meat

Unicorn meat is an EXCELLENT source of sparkles, but it didn’t quite do it for one customer who left this very helpful review:

“Tastes Like Spam

When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.

Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I’d been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward)…”

2) Uranium Ore

Radioactive material for only $40+ shipping? What a steal! If you’re still buying your uranium ore in a parking lot, you need to read this helpful review:

“So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore.

I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.”

3) Tampon Flask

Finally, a practical way to smuggle my booze! If you’re tired of using real tampons to do this but would be interested in a tampon flask instead, read the review below:

“The Latest In Tampon-Based Smuggling Technology!

For years I used actual tampons to smuggle liquor, and it was a difficult learning process with trial and error. It took several tries to discover that unused tampons hold more liquor than used tampons. However, the technique was still problematic as I would absorb the alcohol too quickly. Once I realized you could siphon the booze orally, things went much more smoothly. But if you don’t add the food coloring you can get caught, and if you do add it people look at you very strangely (which doesn’t make much sense to me given the current popularity of vampires in the media).

Well, this is definitely the best method for using tampons to hold liquor that I’ve seen. Not only does it hold several ounces of liquor, completely eliminating the inconvenience of drinking a tiny amount of alcohol before arriving at an event, but it also looks much more natural to tilt a tampon container directly against your lips: significantly less sucking and munching draws less attention, oddly enough.

We truly live in an amazing time. I can hardly wait to see what’s next, but my fingers are crossed for a douche-related solution…!”

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4) Relaxation Capsule

Only $2,500 for shipping my relaxation capsule? Ha! I would have paid $3,000! But not everyone agrees:

“Larger than advertised

Is it just me or does “capsule” typically mean “take orally with some liquid?” I couldn’t even get this whole thing in my mouth! It’s actually larger than my body. Literally. There’s NO WAY this can be swallowed whole and I learned the hard way that it’s not a suppository *ouch*, so I had to crush it and mix it in with my applesauce and now three months later, I still haven’t finished it all! Suddenly those child-proof caps on the Tylenol don’t seem as infuriating as they used to.”

5) How to Date a White Woman

A practical guide on paperback, how have we lived without this? Don’t believe ‘How to Date a White Woman‘ actually works? Just read the helpful review below:

“GREAT!!

Personally, I am an Asian man. And by Asian, I mean Asian. When I got this book, I realized the error of my white-woman-hunting-ways. Now that I’ve seen the light, I can lure them in like moths to the fire. THANKS Adam Quan! My love life is more bubbly than a 100 degree pot in high altitude.”

6) 55 Gallons of Lube

Unfortunately, it’s out of stock because everyone else couldn’t wait to get their hands on all this lube. Like the helpful man who wrote this review:

“Slide Back Into The Game!

I knew getting back in the “dating game” would be a challenge after being out of it for over 5 years. When I was released from Joliet, I had to learn all the new things “the dating crowd” was trying. I knew about scented candles and Luther Vandross CDs, and sure was glad to hear people still use them. But I had no idea that “lube” was so popular with the “romantics” out there. All it took was one stroll through the Walgreens personal hygiene aisle to prove I had to learn a new thing.

…Luckily, I found a plain, old-fashioned lubricant that would not make me smell like a dessert topping. And it came in this HUGE tub! No more awkward late-night Walgreens runs for me, once I could get my hands on this lubricant bin. Now, I admit the price tag was kinda hefty. But after selling the ol’ Pontiac Sunfire and borrowing some cash from Aunt Gladys, I was ‘ready to place my order.’”

You can read the rest of this helpful review here.

7) Butt Face Soap

I can’t believe I’ve been washing my face and my butt with the same bar of soap this whole time! But butt face soap may not be practical for everyone. Though we’re not sure about this customer’s math skills, his review is quite enlightening:

“It should be two separate bars unless you have one cheek bum

I just showered for the first time with this soap. Be very careful, when I went to brush my teeth I accidentally rubbed my brush on the wrong side and now I have s***ty breath. Besides that when you use the butt side of the soap it most definitely touches a butt cheek to the face side of soap. Unless you have an abnormally wide crack or only have one bum cheek I would recommend buying lever 2000. It’s for all your body’s 2000 parts. Face butt soap is just for 2 body parts and my shower isn’t large enough to have 999 more bars of soap to get all my other parts washed. It’s a good idea just not practical in today hustle and bustle life style.”

8) Gangsta Rap Coloring Book

What, like you’ve never wanted to chose the color of Tupac’s shirt? This gangsta rap coloringbook filled that need for one customer, as he outlines in his helpful review:

“It ain’t nothin but a G thang

I purchased this as a means to reminisce, because I used to roll deep with a crew full of G’s. I got out because my baby mama was givin’ me grief. She was worried about me not being there one day, she wanted me to bring it proper, walk the straight and narrow. Anyway, this is the heat. Any book that lets you experiment with Biggy and Nas’s wardrobe in different shades of blue is aight in my book. I bought it for every kid in my sunday school class. I found out a few weeks later that they hit the corner in their low low and beat their first trick. I heard they’re in the market for firearms without serial numbers now. I’m so proud of all of them. It’s good knowing I’ve helped another generation learn how to skate on haters who perpetrate.’”
 

9) The Daddle

The daddle sort of speaks for itself. Still interested in purchasing one? Read this helpful review:

“It was okay until that fateful day…

The kids love the Daddle. It’s also much safer than bareback. The wife got to take videos and send them to relatives– and I’m not so proud as to be embarrassed by such. They’re my kids. So everyone was really enjoying this product.

That is… until the fateful day my wife bought the boy some spurs. I should have known something wasn’t right when I first heard that “jingle jangle jingle” as he came striding merrily along. But I wasn’t fast enough; when he hopped on my back and kicked me in the sides, I about came unglued…”

Read the rest of this amazing review here.

10)  Steering Wheel Work Surface Tray

Multitasking at its finest! This helpful customer review for this tray sure seems to agree:

“Perfect for a Starfleet Helmsman

My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I’m driving. ‘You’ll hit another pedestrian,’ he says. ‘This isn’t the Enterprise, there isn’t a deflector array.’ Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It’s so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you’ve got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!”

11) The Badonkadonk

There’s an actual tank for sale on Amazon. But don’t worry! It comes with a premium sound system so you can jam out while you get pelted with bullets. This customer knows:

“The Donk is OK, not recommended for a drunken rampage

If I had it to do over again, I’d leave my insurance settlement money under my matress a while longer instead of spendin it on one of these things. A Badonkadonk … more like a Badonkajunk.

I bought one of these Donks ’cause I thought the cops wouldn’t hastle me in it. Since it aint road legal I figured it wouldn’t matter that I don’t got a driver’s license anymore (It’s that kinda “outa the box” thinkin that’s got me where I am in life). I figured when the cops said “Billy, you know you aint supposed to be drivin a car anymore” I could say “I aint drivin a car, I’m drivin a Donk” and then crank up “Freebird” on my 400 Watt stereo as I lay down a thick patch of rubber with the 6hp fire-breathin power plant and maybe let out a rebel yell as I go up on 2 wheels and squeeze between the 2 squad cars they had set up as a road block. Then when they pulled out their guns and tried to stop me the bullets would just rikoshay off my trusty Donk as I glance matter-of-factly into the rear view mirror and flick the ash off my Marlboro in symbolic contempt of the agressors what I had just thwarted.”

Photo by Arakis