The idea of settling can be a very unattractive one—it’s not hard to imagine that if someone is settling for one aspect of their life, like their job, that they wouldn’t be prone to settling in other avenues of their existence, like their relationship.
And since human beings are very keen to read about ways that they can help themselves (some might argue that actually implementing these self-help techniques is another story entirely) there’s all types of content online that are designed to help folks suss out how they can accomplish their personal goals or steer clear of habits that may be keeping them from attaining these goals.
Like finding out if you’re actually settling in a relationship or not, which is a topic of discussion broached by TikToker @ladylikelifeshop who warned folks to keep an eye out for particular red flags that could alert you into what settling for your relationship would look like, such as saying stuff like “we’ve had our ups and downs,” or simply not knowing “deserving the best” means for you.
@ladylikelifeshop Replying to @Nora W. Weight in— red flag or no? #redflags ♬ original sound – Lady Like Life Store
She also went on to say, in another clip, that resentment in disagreements doesn’t exist: That people who are truly in love with each other don’t try to claw each other’s eyes out with words when and if they even get into an argument and when they do, it’s a completely different “type” of argument—one that is based on a common issue and handling that problem, not compounding more hate and ire on top of one another.
How can I tell if I’m settling in a relationship?
Kristen (@oldsoulentries), another TikTok user on the application, applauded @ladylifelifeshop’s messaging about settling in relationships and provided her own outlook on what that looks like for people with a stitched clip of her own commenting on this very real phenomenon: According to Zillonist, 73% of married surveyed people admitted that they never found their “true love” and have, instead, chosen to settle with whoever they were with.
Kristen says that “nobody ever explains… what that looks like” when it comes to not settling in a relationship. She’s said that she’s “observed… good and bad relationships” throughout her entire life and was committed to the idea of only ever getting into a relationship if it embodied certain qualities she was looking for.
@oldsoulentries What “don’t settle” actually means!! @Lady Like Life Store such a great explanation #mindset #gratitudemindset #relationshipadvice #relationships ♬ original sound – Kristen 🌞🌿🌎🧘🏽♀️
The TikToker went on to say that she ultimately “knew” the man she was going to marry was going to be her husband within the first week of dating him and that he knew this as well. Despite getting hit with the lightning bolt of soulmate-ism, she said that she still knew folks who are romantically intertwined need to hit particular “milestones” when it comes to their relationships so it’s not like she was going to rush head-first into a meeting at the chapel.
The first aspect of not settling for an individual that Kristen brought up is the concept of conflict resolution as opposed to squabbling: “When you’re with the right person, you do not fight. Like you genuinely do not fight you might have disagreements but you’re always just gonna wanna talk it through and hear the other person’s perspective because you genuinely care about that person. Like you’re not coming at it from a point of like discontent or hostility or anything like that. You’re coming at it from like I just really wanna understand your perspective so we can like move through this together.”
How can I tell if I’m not settling and with the right person?
Kristen went on to say that she’s been with her husband for a “decade” and that she doesn’t get into fights with him and they “get along” and just “generally like” spending time around one another. The TikToker also went on to say that she didn’t rush into moving in with her significant other after they started dating—it took them 6 years before they eventually ended up getting a place. She said that if you’re with “the right person” living with them feels like you’re “having a sleepover every single day” and that’s the feeling she has with her husband. “We just laugh, we have fun together, we accomplish and tackle things together which is like amazing,” she explained.
“It’s just fun, I just have so much fun,” she says in her clip, adding that if someone isn’t having fun around a person or being around them is just a drag, then that’s a sign you’re probably “settling” by being around them. Kristen went on to say that while life is difficult and individual challenges and obstacles have made her upset, her relationship itself has “never been hard” suggesting that it should feel more like a reprieve from the world than rather a difficult or tortuous thing she has to navigate. “It has been the biggest joy in my life and the biggest blessing my life and we articulate that to each other literally every single day.”
Being gracious and expressing gratitude, Kristen says, is a big Hallmark of a strong, non-settlement relationship, she writes, and that this is the “biggest connection point” someone can have. Folks can “never do too much” for each other if they’re in love: “cause when you feel appreciated you feel loved and that really is like the point of a relationship to be in love.”
She capped off her video by stating settling isn’t an “abstract concept” and that younger people who are just getting into relationships should follow these principles to ensure they aren’t getting themselves into a settlement rather than being with a person who will truly make their life better.
One commenter who responded to the video penned how it takes more energy to settle in a relationship than it is to just go after what’s right for you: “Settling is so draining.”
Someone else agreed with Kristen’s sentiments, penning: “theres a very big difference between fighting and disagreements!! a lot of people don’t understand that and it’s crazy”
Another remarked, “Life is hard. Being married to my husband is the opposite of hard.”
However, there were other people who said that just because you don’t fight doesn’t mean that you’re in a great relationship. From their point of view, maturity is what helps to mitigate the amount of petty squabbles a couple has, not because two people are necessarily “right” for one another: “I think not arguing comes from being well adjusted, emotionally mature adults. No fighting doesn’t mean you’re in the right relationship, and a relationship with fights isn’t necessarily wrong”
The Daily Dot has reached out to @ladylikelifeshop via TikTok comment and Kristen via email for further information.