Online dating applications remove a lot of the anxiety and potential initial humiliation of being rejected in person. Many swipe/like-based services remove the nerve-wracking, heartbeat-quickening, and butterfly-inducing excitement of that first approach: attempting to strike up a conversation with someone who caught your eye in the hopes of seeing whether or not they could be interested in you.
The pain of that rejection, as TikToker and dating expert Britanny Burr (@britannyburr) says, can be quite embarrassing. And while there are several analysts who’ve argued that modern romance has been all but obliterated as a result of technological advancements that either minimizes or eradicates the pain of rejection, Burr posted a viral TikTok that’s accrued over 3.1 million views and details ways folks can, in-person, find out if someone likes them without making a bold first move.
Burr’s pointers, she says, work in very specific situations—namely, with folks one sees in a group setting that they may want to go out on a one-on-one date with.
Burr begins her video by speaking directly into the camera, coffee mug in hand. “Let’s talk about how to find out if someone likes you without having to show your cards and reveal that you like them first. I know I’m always saying like, when you’re like, ‘Do they like me?’ … Just ask. Just ask. But I totally understand there are reasons you don’t want to, whether it be not wanting to face rejection, not wanting a blow to ego, not wanting to ruin a friendship or a dynamic or a work relationship. I get it. So, let’s lean into that. You’re not about to tell them point blank, so what are you gonna do?”
She says that one way of testing the waters to see if someone is into you is to private message them about a topic of conversation you discussed with them while in a group setting.
“This is a really good option,” she says, before providing an example. She says if they were talking about live music, beer, or coffee, “you can message later and say, ‘Hey did you want to go check out a brewery together sometime?’ Or, ‘Hey, do you want to check out a show together?’ Or something like that.”
“So it’s a continuation of the conversation and not super abrupt,” she says. “This is also not you saying, ‘Will you go on a date with me?’”
Burr says the person is probably going to wonder if this is a date. “So if they say, ‘Yeah, for sure’—that’s already a good sign.”
Burr says next is to ask the person “something adjacent.”
“So instead of, ‘Hey are you into me? You could say something that’s a little more playful and way less high stakes, way lower stakes,” she says. “Something like, ‘Hey have you ever thought about the two of us romantically at all?’”
Burr says the person might respond with: “‘No, have you?’”
“You could say something like, ‘It’s crossed my mind,’” she says.
“Or if they’re like, ‘Yeah, I guess I have.’ You could be like, ‘Oh what do you think about when you think that way?’” she shares. “Something like this—it’s a really great way to not ask it, and you can have a full conversation and walk away without it being like, ‘Whoa, she just really went there.’ You know?”
“Next is ask about their actions, so this is another thing that’s kind of an adjacent way to ask. … You could be like, ‘Hey you, you’ve been reaching out a lot more lately like what’s up?’ Or, ‘You seem to be showing me a lot more attention lately. Is there something up with that?’ Or, ‘We always seem to gravitate towards each other in a room. Is that intentional?’ It’s just a good way to kind of call out, ‘Hey, I notice there’s something here’ and see if they own up.”
When all else fails, Burr says “to ask a friend to ask for you.”
“Not, ‘Do you like Britt? She likes you.’ But something like, ‘Hey, you guys are both single, and you seem to have a really nice rapport. Have you ever thought about anything there?’” she explains.
Burr says to make sure this is a trusted friend and not somebody who will “throw you under the bus.”
“And last but not least, you can say something that’s telling them without telling them. So … they say something kinda cute, and you can be like, ‘Wow you’re making it pretty impossible to not have a crush on you lately.’ And just see what they say,” she continues.
@britannyburr Tried and true! #flirting #crush #datingtips #datingadvice #dating #situationship #dotheylikeme ♬ original sound – Brit Burr
One TikToker responded that they felt the options Burr presented were still scary, aside from asking a friend for help. “All the options seem really terrifying except for the friend tactic,” @katriffanyjenkins shared. It seems others felt that way, too, as @katriffanyjenkins’ comment was highly liked.
Others were critical of these tactics. “Find out if they like you while completely embarrassing yourself*” @chompssss joked in the top comment of the video.
“I would literally pass away if my crush said ‘I noticed you’ve been paying more attention to me lately, what’s up w that’ LMFAO,” another remarked.
But TikTokers said that there really isn’t a way to navigate love without facing some type of rejection and that folks should just bite the bullet and make that leap. “Sometimes you just gotta get turned down man, ask,” @shiguy0 urged.
“We are all gonna die & moments will pass. Take risks,” @hauntedbylight encouraged in an oddly comforting comment.
The Daily Dot has reached out to Burr via email for further comment.
