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The 8 things Apple didn’t announce this week

Suspicious. Very suspicious indeed. 

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[email protected]

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After much speculation and a leak, today Apple announced their plans for the iPhone and the iWatch. CEO Tim Cook’s announcement and demonstration was comprehensive and interesting, but he forgot to mention a few new releases.

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1) The iStream 

updates

For those of us who watched the live announcement today, the quality seemed … lacking. Maybe because of our wifi, maybe because the world’s preeminent technology company couldn’t put enough resources behind a quality production. The iStream would borrow technology from Professor X and beam every one of Tim Cook’s thoughts directly into our supple, waiting brains.

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2) The iCatheter


via Flickr/NickSchmidt

Personally, the iCatheter’s the only product I’ll even consider inserting into my urethra. You use a Microsoft Coom? Gross.

3) The iDrone

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via the Verge

As personal drones get more and more popular, how long until there’s an official Apple app to control your iDrone? Drone selfies!

4) The iEye


via YouTube/Gkgyver

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It sees everything except the iCloud’s security vulnerabilities.

5) The iJobs Clone


Flickr/Aforgrave; remix via Pixable

Tim Cook currently keeps the iJobsClone locked in a dungeon under Apple’s Cupertino Headquarters. There’s a massive internal civil war raging, with the “loyalists” pulling for iJobsClone and Cook’s guys who refer to themselves as “Cookies.”

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6) The downloadable iCure for cancer


via Flickr/Neccorp

They have the technology, but they’re holding out on this feature so you have a reason to buy the iPhone 7.

7) Fair wages for Foxconn workers in China

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via Flickr/Meteo

Not announced because in order to keep the most expensive version of the iPhone 6 at the low price of $399 dollars, Foxconn workers need to work all day for 2,500 yuan ($407) a month. According to China Daily, Jiang Caixia, who works in Shenzhen, China and checks 2,000 iPhones a day for scratches: “‘I can’t afford iPhones … Huawei makes cheaper phones and most of my friends use their phones.’”

8) iMeaning of life 


via Flickr/Brownpau

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The iMeaning Of Life releases chemicals in your brain that produce extreme levels of giddiness, satisfaction and desire to humblebrag upon buying a new Apple product. There’s already a line in Manhattan for it.

Photo by Yutaka Tsutano/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

 

 
The Daily Dot