Thanks to NASA, astrology is all sorts of fucked up. The space organization went major buzzkill when they “did the math” and inadvertently revealed that we’ve been subscribing to the wrong calendar dates for astrological signs. Because they noted that “the sun actually moves through 13 constellations, not 12,” they even saddled us with an extra zodiac sign.
Psssh, OK, NASA. You might send people into the stars and everything, but you’re probably totally wrong about this: You argue that “no one has shown that astrology can be used to predict the future or describe what people are like based on their birth dates,” and we know all that is a bunch of major bull. Astrological signs obviously shape our entire lives and everything else.
More importantly, did you know that there’s another set of symbols that’ll guide you through life—symbols NASA doesn’t want you to know about, it seems? That’s right, kiddos. If you gaze into the night sky, you can see that these constellations look a lot like some of our favorite memes.
Capricorn: ‘Why You Lying’ Guy
January 20 – February 16
Illustration by Jason Reed
You have a great radar for bullshit and aren’t afraid to call it out, whether it’s a close friend serving up a fib or someone you just met trying to exaggerate the truth. While your penchant for honesty takes priority, you’re also heavily musically inclined and aren’t afraid to get down in the club.
Aquarius – Water Bottle Challenge
February 16 – March 11
Illustration by Jason Reed
Oftentimes, you feel like you have little control over your life. As if a bunch of teenagers are flipping you into the air, throwing off your judgment and sense of self. You stumble often, but whenever you land sturdily on your base it’s revolutionary—a moment of celebration.
Pisces – Pepe
March 11 – April 18
Illustration by Jason Reed
There’s a deep, innate sadness to you—but you don’t let the emotion consume you. You’re a chameleon, taking countless of rare forms, trying to find the right identity for each situation. Unfortunately, due to the last lunar eclipse, you’re full of hate that won’t leave your system until after the presidential election.
Aries – Dat Boi
April 18 – May 13
Illustration by Jason Reed
The true god of war, destruction lies in the path of your wheel. Whenever you stroll into the room, others tremble and scream “here comes dat boi,” to which you retort, “o shit waddup.”
Tauros – Harambe
May 13 – June 21
Illustration by Jason Reed
One of the most popular yet misunderstood astrological memes. Others often think you’re endangering whatever threat comes into your home and will make rash decisions about you. But do not fret: If things go awry, your legacy is grander than whatever drama you get caught up in. People also tend to whip their dicks out for you.
Gemini – Poot & Demi
June 21 – July 20
Illustration by Jason Reed
There are two sides of you: the luxurious, “Confident,” former Disney channel star. Then there’s the you that’s locked in the basement.
Cancer – Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer
July 20 – August 10
Illustration by Jason Reed
People might think you’re fake, but you’re 100 percent real.
Leo – Dickbutt
August 10 – September 16
Illustration by Jason Reed
Though you’re an old soul, you’re totally spontaneous and will show up in the most surprising places. Others think you’re a total dick, and you are. You’re sometimes so awful that it’s like you’re a dick attached to a butt… to a dick.
Virgo – Drake
September 16 – October 30
Illustration by Jason Reed
Your emotions easily take hold of you, but everyone loves that. You have deep ties to Canada, and someday you’ll find the Rihanna for your happy ending.
Libra – The Dress
October 30 – November 23
Illustration by Jason Reed
It’s rare for you to show your true colors, so people often have a hard time believing their eyes when it comes to shenanigans you’re involved in. Sometimes you consider yourself the center of attention, and people will give it to you, albeit for one very large viral moment. Then they move on.
Scorpio – Mr. Krabs
November 23 – 29
Illustration by Jason Reed
You’re easily shaken up, whether from hearing some juicy gossip or because your teacher just surprised the class with a pop quiz. Money is very important to you.
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November 29 – December 17
Oh would you look at that, this happens to be the time period that NASA says denotes the 13th constellation. But you know what, you get to live your life aimless, without a meme sign—because NASA fucked it up.
Sagittarius – Joanne the Scammer
December 17 – January 20
Illustration by Jason Reed
Honestly, truly, you’re always looking for a way to make a quick buck. You’re the modern Robin Hood, stealing from the rich caucasians of the world and spreading that wealth to your fellow outcasts. With that being said, you still have a thing for luxurious fur coats and stylish wigs.
Remember, all these meme astrological signs are completely true.
