It’s Friday the 13th, and you know what that means: There’s a very good chance you won’t live to see the weekend.
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Yes, bad luck seems to abound on days like today—but you can always protect yourself. Here are some essential survival tips.
- Avoid any summer sleepaway camps. Yeah, we know it’s November and you’re in your twenties, but if someone invites you to go “explore” some abandoned cabins near a mountain lake, take a rain check. You can always go on the 14th.
- Don’t have sex. Not even with a condom. “Safe” sex never really is.
- Don’t do drugs—you might as well be having sex, honestly.
- If you’re in a group, think twice before “splitting up to cover more ground.” What does covering ground even mean? Ground doesn’t need to be covered. The ground is doing fine. Worry about yourself!
- If you’re wheelchair-bound, now’s the time to spontaneously heal your legs so you can run away from any machete-wielding killers.
- Assume that any unexplained sound—especially one you’re tempted to dismiss as “just the wind”—signals the approach of a machete-wielding killer, and take any appropriate next steps.
- In fact, you might want to secure a machete of your own?
- Never fall asleep. No matter how exhausted you might be from fleeing a machete-wielding killer, there’s always the off-chance that some other homicidal character is waiting to butcher you in your dreams.
- Swimming isn’t a good idea. And kind of a sore subject, really.
- Getting on a spaceship won’t save you, either. Trust us, it’s been done.
- Try to be white. For some reason, minorities are especially susceptible to the fatal effects of Friday the 13th. We may never know why.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDPPmv9q-g0
- Make plans during daylight hours instead of getting together during the big thunderstorm forecast for later tonight.
- Should all else fail, pretend to be a big hockey fan.
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Photo via Ed Schipul/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)
