This is it. The 2016 primary season all comes down to California, the carefree state with such embarrassingly low voter turnouts that the Los Angeles Times has preemptively given up all hope. At a state total of 17,915,053 registered voters, according to data provided by the office of State Secretary Alex Padilla, California now has more people than ever to totally not give a rat’s ass when it really counts.
In the 2012 Presidential primary, only 22.47 percent of voters showed up to set their candidates ahead. And for last year’s municipal election in Los Angeles, which is by far the state’s biggest city, voter turnout was only slightly better than that of a ghost town, at 8.6 percent.
Yet even if you’re, like, already so over this election, clearly there is one candidate we Californians can rally around. This special someone touts professional experience in real estate and aviation, has bold—perhaps even extreme—ideas about immigration and world economics, is running on a platform that defies any clear party lines, and has bravely jumped into the deep end with zero political chops.
This emotive, entrepreneurial maverick has a dream—a huge dream. It centers around making deals and proposed new laws that include the boycotting all the “multi-billionaires/millionaires, celebs, media, etc. … if they do not PUBLICIZE ME.” Now, that might seem slightly reactionary and megalomaniacal, but at the same time, which political candidate doesn’t secretly think this? This is simply the truth, and it is time to vote for the person who is brave enough to tell it like it is.
I am, of course, referring to Lisa Lane.
Lane’s campaign is one of pure grassroots, which means she is the clear underdog. For instance, I found out about her from a two-sided business card left under my windshield wiper as my car was parked outside my mother-in-law’s house in suburban San Diego. Under a windshield wiper! This is the modest mark of one who has true grit and connection to the common folk.
Her platform is as such:
Lisa Lane
Lane could not be reached to comment on the details of her vision. Naturally, in the absence of further information, one must turn to a candidate’s personal and professional history to shed some light. After all, with Lane’s type of conviction, she must be extremely clear on how she will accomplish her “top 10 new laws.”
Here is information taken directly from her LinkedIn page, so the reader knows none of this language has been skewed by the liberal media.
She is capable of creating opportunity in a crisis situation:
Lisa Lane/LinkedIn
She has many intriguing ideas:
Lisa Lane/LinkedIn
And no shady backdoor deals for her—she is open and honest about her travel, especially around her expenditures and the company she keeps:
Lisa Lane/LinkedIn
Look, who knows if her claims check out? It really doesn’t matter. She’s blond and tan and obviously the right person for this job. That’s exactly why you should vote for her. As an unlikely candidate, she’s suffered enough criticism in the form of three social media posts I alone have made on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Just give her the goddamn position already, will you?
It doesn’t matter that she’s not on the ballot. Write her in. No, there isn’t technically space for that, but bring your own pen and make it happen because the system is rigged and the electoral system overlords need to know this.
Lisa Lane might seem like a wild card, a long shot, an outsider… a little unconventional at times, perhaps a bit delusional at others. But that’s just what this country needs.
So come on, California, take your coffee to go for today and vote Lisa Lane. Because it would be kinda funny to have someone so inexperienced yet so sure of herself in the most powerful office in the United States—and, some might say, in the entire “global government.”
