It’s pretty grim out there, folks.
We’re in day two of a post-election world in which Donald Trump has moved from Republican nominee to president-elect. The country’s anxiety is palpable, with no abatement. Walk down the street of any major city and you can feel the collective tachycardia wresting the drumsticks away from the typical heartbeat of a vibrant city. Buskers have stopped playing, barkers have retreated to the shadows of doorways, beckoning no one in, and many people are on the second day of personal “How the fuck do I survive.”
If taking breaks to cry and cling to a vice have worn you ragged, there is an alternative: ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It’s where your brain tingles (but in a good way) when you hear the soft sounds of whispering or paper crinkling and fingers tapping on desks. For folks who get real amped about it, ASMR must’ve made study halls a joy. No matter where you stand on ASMR and its dubious medically recognized status, it’s still one hell of a distraction. Peruse a few of the weirdest videos ASMR has to offer and feel yourself melting away from the bullshit of the world.
1) Saving Harambe
Harambe played a very strange role in the election, allegedly contributing to the throwing away of thousands of votes. It’s not like those estimated 11,000 voters would’ve done much to change the outcome of our inevitable downfall (shoutout to the Electoral College) and electing of Trump. The great ape in the sky is finding ways to redeem himself, though. Presenting this one-two punch of a conspiracy theorist blaming the Illuminati for the death of Harambe while also engaging in a drinking game. Colt 45s out!
2) RollerCoASMRter Tycoon
You can do a whole lot of cool shit in Rollercoaster Tycoon, like succing. But did you know you could also engage in ASMR? Step inside the heavily wooded Tamriel digital amusement park and prepare to be thrilled by chill whispering and a series of increasingly serene rollercoasters.
3) The Nuclear Option
So, you’ve survived election 2016 and Trump has his hands on the nuclear codes. His presidency begins, and it’s a wild ride through the mind of a man with the impulse control of a goat in a tin can factory. Agitated by the @POTUS handle being wrested from his control after yet another epic 3am tirade, The Donald panics and blows this world to smithereens. You survive and, turns out, the mass extinction of the planet as we know it is actually kind of tranquil. That’s what this video gives you—peace of mind even after a nuclear holocaust.
4) In-N-Out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBa-KqzA9cc
Everyone loves in In-N-Out, even cheap bastards like Eric Trump! The hamburger chain has been a universal unifier since its inception. Add a side of ASMR to your animal fries and Neapolitan shake, though only at your own risk, as this video warns. I’m not quite sure what’s so dangerous about a hungry whisperer chowing down on a cheeseburger and fries, but here we are. “What could be a better day?” culinary ASMR superstar SassEsnacks proclaims. Indeed.
5) The Zombies Are Coming
This is the end times—now with zombies. And fire! At least we have fire.
